Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
