Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
