thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
