I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
