My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
