glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
