Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
