my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
