ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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