Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
