I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
