Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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