I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
