Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Nicole vs. Life
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We need to get me chipped asap