Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
