Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
