Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You can't motorboat a personality
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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