im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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