they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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