sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
