During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
