his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Randomize
