Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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