You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
