My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
be right there i have to get my cape
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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