Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i need some magic done to my vagina
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
