come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
