She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
