the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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