Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
