She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
