Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize