I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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