He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
