who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
