Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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