I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
