So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
