I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
