Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
