these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
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But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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