sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.