There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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