Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
