The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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