Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
