I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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