I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
