On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Randomize
