if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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