Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize