So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
