she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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