thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
