I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
